Next Year's Gear

Maybe it's a sign of the inevitable depersonalization of a technologicalsociety, but have you noticed that these days some of our most advanced toolsare being given "human" names? No longer satisfied to use numbers and thoseobscure, funny letters at the end of the alphabet, manufacturers are now takingreal people's names and sticking them on products. I'm not talking aboutdevices named after their inventors, like Neve, or Dolby, or Theremin, or evenJoe Meek, who at least inspired the equipment that bears his name, even if hehappened to expire a few decades before it was developed. What's bugging me isthe names of historical figures being put onto equipment that has absolutely noconnection to them.

For instance, what kind of audio gear should be called a "Mozart"? You mightsuppose that it would have to be something that can't be used by anyone over35, that's producing fully-realized mixes almost before it leaves the factory,and that rolls a pair of dice to determine how the outputs will be configured.How about a "Hendrix"? Shouldn't whatever that is have THD figures up infour digits and be operated left-handed and upside-down while it's on fire? Oran "Einstein"? You'd think this would have some kind of mechanism that makes itheavier, and shorter, as the music gets faster. And for that matter shouldn'tthe tempo of the music be totally different depending on where in the controlroom you're sitting? And there's something in the film world called a"Hitchcock"--my guess would be that it takes pictures of the operator andinserts them at random into the reels he or she is working on.

My confidential sources at LLP&P (LirpaLoof Projection and Prognostication)tell me that this trend will continue for some time, but it won't stop athistorical figures. Contemporary personalities, and even some fictional ones,will also find their names on the audio and video equipment of the near future.In the interests of responsible journalism, I am now going to break severalpunishable-by-death non-discloure agreements to bring you news of theseproducts. Here's what you can expect to see in the months to come--but pleasedon't tell anyone where you got this information:

Clinton--A stereo image collapser, ensuring mono compatibility across anextremely wide spectrum. No matter which side an input comes in from--the farleft, far right, or anywhere in between--it emerges precisely centered. Has aunique self-erasing scribble strip: any label you try to put on the unit hasdisappeared the next time you look at it. Reportedly supported by a number offoreign patents, but nobody knows for sure.

Hillary--An intelligent multifunction auxilliary unit, packaged with theabove. Contains the "brains" of the duo, and some users live in fear that itsnetworking and control functions could end up running their whole studio if theunit not carefully monitored and kept in its place. Other users think thatwouldn't be such a bad idea.

Rush--A unique signal processor, very popular with users having only oneear (and a corresponding volume of brain matter), that ignores anything evenremotely near the left input. Outputs are parallel, and labelled "Right!" and"Ditto!". Extremely effective distortion algorithm, such that any data thatgoes in emerges completely unrecognizable and way, way out of phase. Unit ismuch bulkier than it needs to be, and output is unnecessarily loud. Inputs andoutputs are XLR, but all internal circuitry is utterly unbalanced.

Helms--A timing generator and corrector, based on a design that waspopular in live minstrel shows before the age of television. The ultimate in"instant vintage" gear, it has a non-resettable internal clock that runsapproximately 90 years slow, and it positively will not synchronize to, or evenrecognize, color video or blackburst. Circuitry is not flammable, yet itsteadfastly supports its right to smoke. Available in white only, of course.

Perot--A dither generator that produces a strange kind of rabble-rousingnoise-shaped signal. Has an advanced data-compression and simplificationalgorithm that can knock the most complex equations and formulas down to earthyand nonsensical homilies. Features a very attractive but totally misleadingfull-color display, and really wide stereo spread.

Vangogh--A stereo to mono convertor, very crude but highly effective.Direct interface with a Perot (above) not recommended.

Billgates--An all-purpose device that performs every function andoperation you can think of in a studio, although it does none of themparticularly well. Has a tendency to crowd out gear from competingmanufacturers, and in some cases actually absorbs it. Takes up more rack spacethan you would believe possible. In spite of the fact that it runs far moresluggishly than other similar products, and its confusing front panel containsdozens of badly-labelled controls that you will never use, it has become anindustry standard. The initial price seems quite reasonable until you realizeit exacts a small fee from every user each time you plug it in.

Kevorkian--An interruptible power supply for studios that are no longerfunctioning as well as you would like them to. Lets you "pull the plug" onceand for all on unwanted vintage gear. Buyers should be warned that using it insome states may led to prosecution.

Madonna--Peculiar yet clever piece of gear that constantly re-inventsitself in terms of appearance and functionality, so that every time you use it,you have no idea what it's going to do or what it looks like. (Manufacturer'sprevious model was "Bowie".) Requires extra front-panel clearance fordistinctive cone-shaped controls. Very cheap and flashy, but should manage tolast long enough on the market to develop a patina of respectability.

Elvis--Reissue of long-discontinued vintage microphone preamplifier andsandwich maker, the original of which still shows up from time to time in outof the way studios, post-production facilities, supermarkets, fast-foodrestaurants, and stamp collections. Available in three models, "Young", "Old",and "Really Decrepit".

Clemens--Highly accurate ultra-high-speed multimedia delivery system.Should give good service for a number of years, but then requires a veryexpensive upgrade. Next upgrade, for example, is priced at $24 million, andowners will discover afterwards that their systems will now only work in otherpeople's studios.

Dr. Tim--Another reissue, this one a recently discontinuedchemically-based reality transposer. Has three switches: power, frequencyadjust, and momentary data loss. (Think about it.) Original was unfathomablypopular in the `60s, but when it was taken off the market all remaining unitswere shot off into space, or perhaps cyberspace.

Letterman--Latest model in a long line of popular workstations. Previousmodel, "Carson," was hailed for originality and inventiveness, but newestincarnation is surprisingly devoid of any interesting capabilities or content.Continued use of old, original algorithms may lead to tedium and force users toseek other tools. Advanced and highly lucrative--although unstable--networkingcapabilities. Actually very unfriendly to almost all input; what gets past theformidable set of filters is usually destroyed, while the user watches. Casemade of pure, unalloyed irony. (More lightweight, slightly less expensivemodel, with fewer sharp edges, available as "Leno".)

Schaefer--Musical generation and accompaniment software for aboveworkstation, which in spite of great technology, solid pedigree, intelligentprogramming, and brilliant add-ons, not to mention some of the hottest "guest"algorithms in the business, manages to make everything sound the same.

Ahnold--A digital delay line with exceptionally high feedback gain. Itwill be back. And it will not stop. Ever.

Cage--Random signal generator using extremely elaborate processes basedon Eastern philosophies, which often result in no sound at all.

Picasso--Stereo image processor which produces results that are neverwhat you expect, and often bear little resemblance to the original, but arenevertheless always valuable. Features have evolved over the years it has beenin development: some prototypes have very sharp, angular filter slopes; someproduce a weird type of spatial distortion in which all signals seem to comefrom the same side; and some boast a distinctive blue front panel.

Warhol--A brilliantly designed, very expensive vocal filter that lookslike two soup cans with a string between them, but sounds just like two soupcans with a string between them.

Dali--When in the course of human events, the cat in the hat strikesback. While you were sleeping, I boiled a three-minute egg, but the plum of myaunt is on the stove of your uncle, and time is also a relative.Meeska-mooska-mousketeer, ask what you can do for your country.

Siskelandebert--An unusual dual-channel double-acting expander/limiter,with ability to make sound either very thin with a "shiny" top, or somewhatstodgy and "phat". Power supply runs on AC, DC, or popcorn (with extra butter).Has two modes, "Thumbs Up" and "Thumbs Down", and correct choice of mode canmake or break any program material that passes through it.

Seinfeld--Waveform generator with four modes: basic Sein (simplewaveform with little or no resonance), Kramer (a spiky sawtooth, veryunstable), Elaine (spunky, high-pitched, and annoying), and George (phat,whiney, and really boring). Output signal is very low--in fact, it's just aboutnothing.

St. Croix--Snazzy, oddly appealing, oversampling, high-output,multi-purpose workstation/musical instrument/game design engine/mediaanalyzer/time machine/exhaust tuner/food processor with a keen sense of historyand a well-developed sense of its own importance. Doesn't take well totweaking, although it loves to do so to other equipment. Extremely popular anddurable, even though users have yet to figure out exactly what it does.