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It's...JOKETIME!
Engineers
Q. How many sound engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?A1. Lightbulbs? Why bother, they don't make any noise.
A2. That depends on how many can fit in one.
A3. Just one, but all the others say they can do it better.
Music
Q. You know what new age music played backwards is?A. New age music.
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flungtropical island. As he wades ashore from his boat, he hears many drumspounding in the distance. The drumming continues for many hours, thesame patterns repeating over and over. Finally the anthropologistmusters his courage and moves inland to seek out a native. He soonencounters a chief, and since the drums are still playing, he asks him"Those drums--what do the drums mean?" The chief just shakes his head,says "Bad, very bad...", and wanders back into the jungle.
The next day, the drums are still going. The anthropologist again seeksout the chief and asks, "Those drums! What do the drums mean?!" Thechief again just shakes his head sadly and says, "Bad! Very, very, bad!",and goes back into the jungle.
After three days the drums are still going. The anthropologist isgetting desperate. He runs to the village and accosts the chief. "Chief! Please! What do the drums mean?!?!". At that moment, suddenly,the drums stop. A deathly silence prevails. The chief, turning pale,says, "Ohhhhh nooo, even worse! Now come bass solo!!!"--contributed by Michael McNabb
And in a similar vein:
Two cowboys were waiting in their fort for the Indians to attack. They listened to the distant pounding war drums. One cowboy muttered to the other, "I don't like the sound of them drums." Just then a distant voice came over the hill: "It's not our usual drummer!" --contributed by Matt Gallegos
A famous opera conductor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at thegate. He says, "Maestro, we've been waiting for you. We want you toconduct the greatest opera ever made."
The conductor hesitates. "No, no more opera. I just want to sit on my cloudwith my wings. I've done too many operas already."
"No, listen," says St. Peter. "This'll really be something special. Mozart's writing the music, Shakespeare the libretto, we got Leonardo to build the sets, and Michelangelo to paint them. God, of course, is the executive producer, and Jesus will produce. And Caruso's the male lead."
So the conductor says, "This is beginning to sound interesting. Who's the prima donna?"
And St. Peter says, "Well, I was coming to that. You see God's got thisfriend named Stacey...."
Q. What do you call an optimist?
A. An accordian player with a pager.
--contributed by Cory Bitner
Broadcasting
Radio disk jockeys are never supposed to leave the station unattended, but thelate-night DJ at the classical station had to pick up his girl friend at theairport so he put on a CD of the first act of Meistersinger, locked upthe station, jumped in his car and drove off. He got back -- he thought --just in time to change the disc, but discovered to his horror that the CD wasskipping and had repeated the 11th bar of the overture over and over again for57 minutes.Thinking fast, he s-l-o-w-l-y faded down the volume and then announced, "Thatwas Symphony Number 7 by Philip Glass."
Q. How many radio production guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Haven't we changed this 3 times already?
Q. How many copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Do we have to get client approval for this?
--contributed by Bruce Williams
Computers
Q. How come computer programmers never get out of the shower?A. "Rinse, lather, repeat."
Q. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they declare darkness a national standard and everyone else follows.
-- contributed by Kevin Haslam
A software manager, a hardware manager, and a marketing manager aredriving to a meeting when a tire blows. They get out of the car and lookat the problem.
The software manager says, "I can't do anything about this--it's ahardware problem." The hardware manager says, "Maybe if we turned thecar off and on again, it would fix itself." The marketing manager says,"Hey, 75% of it is working--let's ship it!"
Warning! -- This one is long and very, very shaggy!
An ambitious consultant finally decided to take a vacation. Hebooked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time ofhis life...at least for awhile.
A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lostinstantly. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island withno other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts. Usedto 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do.
So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longedfor his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescueship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of thecorner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeouswoman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.
In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from? How did you gethere?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed herewhen my cruise ship sank.""Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many ofyou are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing did."
He was confused. "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw materialthat I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum treebranches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and sterncame from a eucalyptus tree."
"But-- but, that's impossible," stuttered the man. "You had no tools orhardware, how did you manage?""Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of theisland there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I foundthat if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted intoforgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools tomake the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do youlive?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the wholetime.
"Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. Asthe man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him wasa stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope,the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but Icall it home. Sit down, please -- would you like to have a drink?
"No, no thank you," he said, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconutjuice.""It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How abouta Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they satdown on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, thewoman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs inthe cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There inthe cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to ahollow-ground edge were fastened onto its end inside of a swivelmechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused. "What next?"
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -- strategically positioned -- and smelling faintly of gardenias. Shebeckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began,suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for avery long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure youreally feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for allthese months? You know..." She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean...?", he replied,
".........I can check my e-mail from here?"
Live sound
Q. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?A1. "One, two, one, two..."
A2. "Hey man, I just do sound."
A3. One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs itwith a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonetmount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feetfrom where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
Q. How come sound guys never count above two when checking mics?
A. Because on three you have to lift something. --contributed by Pete
Musicians
Q. How many session guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?A. Just one, but it will probably require several takes.
A cop walking his beat notices two guys fighting fiercely in an alley behind aclub. He decides to investigate the problem. It turns out that they're two bandmembers playing the club and are on break.
"What's the problem?" says the cop.
1st guy: "We were coming off the bandstand and this guy bumped my guitar sohard he knocked one of my strings out of tune!"
Cop: "Well, I understand that instruments are expensive and fragile, but isthis something to get into such a fight about?"
1st guy: "Yes! the jerk won't tell me which one."
This one musician was in between gigs, so he checked in at a hotel.While he was there, he decided to practice, so he took out his sax andhe began to play. As he was playing, he leaned against the window in the room. Suddenly,the window gave way, and the sax player and his sax both fell threestories onto the pavement.
Much to his amazement, however, he foundthat he was not at all injured. He wasn't even bruised. He pickedup his sax, and it was also in perfect condition, so once again he began to play.
A passer-by was witness to the entire incident. He ran up to themusician and said, "I can't believe what I just saw! You fell out of a window from threestories, landed on pavement, and you weren't even bruised! Then, after falling three stories, you just stood up, picked up yoursax, and you began to play like nothing ever happened! You must bethe luckiest sax player alive!"
The musician smiled and responded, "Nahhh! That's still Kenny G."--contributed by stanv
Two women are walking in the woods when they hear a tiny voice calling them.They look down and see a frog - talking to them!
"Hey chicks, help me! I'm a jazz musician who's been turned into a frog by anevil witch! If you kiss me, I'll return to my former self."
One of the women picks up the frog and places him in her coat pocket. The otherasks why she didn't kiss him.
"Are you kidding? He's worth a LOT more as a talking frog than as a jazzmusician!"
Q. What's the difference between a musician and a US savings bond?
A. One of them eventually matures and earns money.
Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A. With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once.
Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
A: Vibrato.
An orchestra was getting to the end of a long series of rehearsals for an upcoming tourand suddenly their Conductor had a heart attack. The Board of Directors found it impossible to find a replacement and in desperation asked the members of the orchestra whether any of them could conduct.
One of the Viola players spoke up and said, "Yes, I can conduct!" so they gave him a shot and he got the job. The tour was a huge success.
When the Tour ended, and the regular conductor was back on the podium, our friend returned to his old seat. The Viola player sitting beside him asked, "Where the **** have you been!?"
Education
Q. What's the most common thing a college graduate says on his first job?A. "You want fries with that?"
Q. What's the most common thing a graduate of an expensive, comprehensive, award-winning, college course in audio engineering technology says on his first job?"
A. "You want batteries with that?"
--PDL
Producers and Record Companies
Q. How many record producers does it take to change a light bulb?A. I don't know, what do you think?
A bunny and a snake were out drinking at their respective bars, and, bothcritters were fairly well pickled when they set off for home. Being late, they both decided to take a short cut through a field, and, being dark, they smackedright into each other.
"Who are you?" cried one.
"Uh..you tell me who you are first!" cried the other.
Well, they went around like this for a while, and finally agreed that theywould feel each other, and guess as to the other's identity. The snake wentfirst and says "Hmmm....you're soft, and warm, and furry, and have big longfloppy ears, and a cotton tail - you must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then the rabbit took his turn and said "Hmmm....you're cold, and slimy, andscaly, and crawl on your belly, and have no ears -- you must work for a recordlabel!
Some other great sources for musician jokes:
www.mit.edu/people/jcb/jokes/
206.14.2.5/~dsk/musician-jokes.html